My Wife’s Office Affair Was Never A One-Time Mistake, And More Of This Week’s Best Work Drama #adessonews

We’re tackling something we all have to deal with at some time or other: work drama. Each week, I’ll be bringing the juiciest stories from across the web right to our little virtual water cooler.

From toxic bosses to nightmare workplaces, I’m here to speak a little justice on behalf of the average worker. While you’re here, please note that this weekly series is meant solely for entertainment purposes. Please do not have your HR team call me tomorrow saying you heard it from Joel at Digg.

My Husband Doesn’t Respect My Job Because I WFH

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AITA? I (30F) am a work-from-home mom with two children, a 9-year-old boy and a 1-year-old girl. We also have three dogs. I recently married my husband (34M). Our youngest is ours, and my son is from a previous relationship. We recently built our house, and I walk our dogs on leashes multiple times a day because we haven’t had a fence installed yet. I also take care of our 1-year-old while working. My son is involved in two sports, which keeps us busy.

Yesterday, my husband mentioned that I needed to clean our dogs’ ears. I asked, “Why can’t you do it?” He replied, “I’m going to say this once, and I mean it: You are home all day.” I should mention this is his dog that he got before we met, and I handle all other chores for all three of our dogs (grooming, vet visits, feeding, and taking them out — even when he’s home). I was angry, and he walked away.

This morning, I was still upset. He asked if I was still mad because, in his view, he didn’t say anything crazy and thinks there is a lot more I could do during the day. Mind you, I work a full-time corporate job from home with our 1-year-old. He said I should make time for the things I “want to do” instead of the things he needs. I should also mention that I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, and running my son to sports and his dad’s house. The only thing he takes responsibility for is pulling weeds (we have a lawn company for mowing). He’s also supposed to take the trash to the curb but often forgets. I pack his lunches and do all his laundry.

I’m at my wits’ end and so stressed. He can tell I’m frustrated with his lack of help, and this has pushed me over the edge. AITA?

Stop treating people as an outlet for your work frustrations. I don’t care if he comes home beat; she wakes up beat, changes the baby beat, and so on — everyone’s beat. It’s also not fair that everything falls on her, and there’s no way it can sustain like this forever. My personal advice would be to let him realize he doesn’t even know how to wipe his own behind and see if he’s still too proud to help out. I give him three days of showing up to the office in dirty everything before he caves. Read the rest of the thread here.

My Wife’s Office Affair Was Much Worse Than I Ever Feared

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My wife, Ella (32), and I (35) have been together for seven years, married for five. Two years ago, she admitted to cheating on me with a co-worker. I had always believed that cheating was a red line for me, and I was initially determined to divorce her. However, she did the work to regain my trust (or so I believed at the time). I also factored in the following, which allowed me to eventually move past it and forgive her:

She confessed voluntarily; she wasn’t caught and forced to tell me.
It was one time at a housewarming party with the co-worker. I remember that night — she didn’t return home until 4 a.m., and I sent her several texts checking in to see if she was OK and needed a ride (she normally doesn’t like to drink but occasionally succumbs to peer pressure, so I was worried she might have been too drunk to drive).
She quit her job after confessing. This was her choice to prove she was prepared to hold herself to better boundaries. (I actually discouraged her at the time because I was set on divorcing her and was concerned that her unemployment would mean I’d need to pay higher alimony.)
When I was 19, I also cheated on my then-girlfriend (not Ella) with a drunken kiss. It wasn’t as bad as what Ella did (full-on intercourse), but part of me felt like a hypocrite for not forgiving her, especially since my college girlfriend had forgiven me.
Given the above — and the fact that Ella genuinely seemed remorseful, everything else in our relationship was great, and she was the most compatible person I had ever dated — I decided to forgive her and not divorce her on the condition that she sign a post-nup. She enthusiastically agreed. The post-nup isn’t overly harsh, in my opinion; aside from affirming that our premarital assets won’t go into the settlement in the event of a divorce, it included an infidelity clause where the cheater forfeits our jointly owned home, the car, and alimony in the event of a divorce. The balance would also be split 60/40 in favor of the cheated spouse, rather than 50/50. We both had independent legal advice when drafting and signing it.

Fast forward to last month, when I was contacted on Facebook by Alice, the wife of my wife’s affair partner. She had tracked me down by going through Ella’s social media. She told me she had caught her husband, Bill, cheating on her and discovered their affair from two years ago by going through his electronic devices. She asked if I knew, and I replied that I did, but I thanked her for telling me anyway. She asked what had happened between Ella and me, and I told her we had reconciled. She said she was determined to divorce Bill because, unlike my wife, Bill had proven to be a serial cheater and never confessed.

The part that changed my mind about forgiving Ella is that Alice revealed Bill and Ella had actually been having an affair for five months. I clarified if she meant an emotional affair, but she clarified it was physical and that they had hooked up more than 10 times.

In my mind, this makes the affair so much worse. It wasn’t just a drunken night–it was a long period of planned and deliberate choices, and I feel like an absolute fool.

This past weekend, I confronted Ella, and she admitted it. I asked why she hadn’t told me the full truth, and she said she didn’t believe I would have forgiven her if I had known. She’s been trying to convince me that it’s in the past, we’ve made two years of progress since, and it doesn’t matter whether it was once or 10 times. She argues that her confession showed true remorse. But my current thought is that the omission shows that even in her confession, her main concern was protecting herself rather than respecting me as a spouse by giving me the agency to make a fully informed choice — not that different from never telling me in the first place.

I’m now strongly considering divorce again and relying on the post-nup for a more favorable settlement. She wants us to go back to couples therapy, but how would that even work now that I trust her even less than I did two years ago?

She valued saving this relationship in such a one-sided way. I’m sure after the prenup, she slept better, almost feeling like she had given a penance for the much darker secret she was hiding. However, even with her fluctuating happiness, she settled on that being more important to her and not being fully honest. I wouldn’t trust this woman. How good could you have ever been during those two years post-affair if she hid this lie behind every smile she gave you? Read the rest of the thread here.

Am I Being A Giant Tattletale For Wanting To Snitch On My Co-Worker?

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So, here’s the deal. My team has these weekly brainstorming sessions (designer team here), and two weeks ago, we had one as usual in the afternoon. Everything’s going fine until J, a coworker, pops into the meeting for literally three minutes and says, “Guys, I’ve got an emergency, gotta go.” And we’re all like, damn, that sucks, hope everything’s OK. We assumed something serious, like family stuff or whatever, and he just dips.

Anyway, the meeting goes on, super intense, and all our brains are fried by the end of it. Fast forward to that night–I’m home, chilling, scrolling through my phone, and what do I see? A pic from some coworker I met at a random work event a year ago. And guess who’s in the picture? J. At a whiskey tasting. Apparently, it was one of those office events, and I guess he decided that was more important than, you know, working with us.

For more context: The whiskey tasting venue is far from the office, but the weekly design meeting takes place in the office. I assume he quit the meeting early to make it there on time.

Like, sure, it’s not breaking any company rules, and yeah, it’s his “right” to go to these events, but it still feels super shady. He could’ve just said, “Hey, I got invited to this whiskey thing,” and been upfront about it. But nope. Now I’m stuck feeling like we all worked our butts off while he’s out there sipping whiskey. And, of course, when the boss checks in, J’s gonna get credit for the work we did.

So now I’ve got this big, awkward feeling in my chest, and I kinda want to call him out for lying. But I don’t know… should I? Has anyone been in this situation before? How do you even start that conversation without it blowing up? Any advice would be appreciated!

This workplace sounds too crazy if he can’t even leave without needing to lie about it. I get being upset with him, but why is this team working this hard? Telling on him will just get him in trouble, so I don’t know if that’ll be a lighter load on someone’s chest. However, if this is a one-time thing, maybe just let it go and try sneaking in your own unofficial PTO when you can. Read the rest of the thread here.

Check out the previous edition here.

[Image credit: Yan Krukau]